THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
