Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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