Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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