i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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