life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
