I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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