Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
