Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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