Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
from now on my penis is your penis
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
