i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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