I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
farters have to be the big spoon...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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