She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
