I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she peed on how many people?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
