capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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