I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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