I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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