I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
