Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
