Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
