Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
