There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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