Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I will be naked everywhere
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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