just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it's like iHOP with fire
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
