How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
