remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
