woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
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