dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
