I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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