Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
