I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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