I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
