My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
