So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
