You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
