I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
