my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
