I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
