Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
