so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
