i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
