Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
