im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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