If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have fence marks all over my body
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
