i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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