Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
