Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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