I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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