I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
