sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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