Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize