I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
