she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize