In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
