like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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