i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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