cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
