If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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