i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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